Me vs. Jonah Goldberg

Time once again for me to debate a moron. Since I can't actually debate him in person, I can debate his opinion pieces!!!

Michael Jackson: Hollywood's man in the mirror

Jonah Goldberg

In one of my favorite episodes of the Simpsons, Troy McLure - famed Hollywood personality and star of such classics as "The Greatest Story Every Hula-ed" and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall" - needs to get hitched in a sham marriage to Homer's sister-in-law in order to save his career. You see, Troy has a dark secret. When asked if it's that he's gay, McClure responds, "Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost."
I bring this up because a.) I still laugh at it, and b.) the prosecution has rested its case against Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson's perversions are as close as we have today to Troy McLure's situation. Of course, the key difference is that Troy's terrible secret seemed to involve tropical fish. That's funny. Jackson's more terrible and less secret perversion is that it involves little boys.

ROBIO: I officially will stop watching the Simpsons now, knowing this guy watches too. I'm kidding, I can't stop watching the Simpsons. Plus, this episode was funny.

A lot of eat-your-spinach media critics think it is unseemly for the press to pay attention to the Jackson trial. To them it's just another exploit of tabloid TV. I couldn't disagree more. First of all, this story would have been hot stuff even during the Golden Age of Murrow. After all, coverage of Fatty Arbuckle and Charlie Chaplin moved a lot of newspapers back in the day.
More important, this isn't like the childish coverage of the "runaway bride" - er, sorry - "flee-ancee" we've been subjected to. One can't help but suspect that the producers who pumped the story into a round-the-clock obsession were disappointed when it was discovered the woman hadn't been abducted but just got a case of cold feet. Still, since people who buy bridal magazines are a more valuable demographic than those who read The Economist, they seemed perfectly willing to run, and run, and run with the story.

No, the Jackson story is about a hugely rich and successful man using his money and influence to cover up years of sexual and psychological abuse of children. It's about the moral depravity Hollywood is willing to tolerate and enable. (Then again, tolerance and enabling are really the same thing.)

ROBIO: Please don't make me defend Michael Jackson, pleeeaaasssee! Okay, instead I'll depend the process. Here yet again, we have a moron deciding the innocence and guilt of a person before the tiral is even over. No only that, this ass-crack isn't even covering the trial. And then we see it, wait a second, this has nothing to do with Michael Jackson or little boys or Jesus Juice...this is about "the moral depravity (of) Hollywood". Damn, I should have saw that coming.

In many respects this is the perfect story to unite the entire country. O.J. Simpson's murder trial split the nation because Simpson's lawyers expertly manipulated the case into a fight about racial politics, rather than the obvious fact that Simpson murdered two people.

ROBIO: Agreed. That's what lawyers do. Damn those fuckers for doing their job.

The Terri Schiavo case wasn't purely a courtroom battle, but it certainly divided America along fascinating fault lines. The media desperately tried to portray it as a purely left-right conflict, but that analysis was too simplistic to account for the many splits on the right over the issue, or the presence of Ralph Nader and Jesse Jackson on the pro-life side.

ROBIO: Fault lines? The line of over 70% who wanted the fedding tube removed and Congress to butt out their business and the 30% who thought Tom DeLay should be making family decisions? By the way, nice pointless Schiavo drop in! You still can't let the woman die?

Meanwhile, Michael Jackson can have no defenders on left or right. He doesn't fit any normal categories. Like Troy McLure, he's not gay. Unlike O.J. Simpson, he's not even black anymore. Who was it who said, Where else but America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?

ROBIO: Jackson doesn't deserve any "defenders on left or right?" A) Why is this a political issue at all? It's not. B) Gay has nothing to do with this. C) Being black has nothing to do with this. And nice little finish...let me guess you wrote this whole article just so you could use the line, "Where else but America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman?" It's kind of like me saying, Where else but America can a pathetic Jewish boy grow up to be a ignorant, white fuck?"

Indeed, even if you think the prosecution failed to make its case - which it may well have - it is almost impossible to be on Michael Jackson's side or on the side of those who've allowed him to live the disgusting lifestyle he has.

ROBIO: So let me get this straight. Even if Jackson is found innocent, he's wrong. He's bad. Got it!

At minimum, Michael Jackson's handlers knew he had a reputation for abusing children. Before that, they knew he behaved in ways with children that sane, normal, people do not. They saw how he surrounded himself with a giant playroom used to entice boys into his bed. Jackson's staff crafted elaborate electronic warning systems other safeguards to ensure that Jackson was not caught doing anything with children by people who might turn against him. What sort of person installs an electronic warning system for an accused pederast? What sort of person sees that system every day - or even every now and then - and does nothing? What sorts of parents send their kids to a rumored sex offender's house on the thin rationalization that he was never technically convicted of wrongdoing?

ROBIO: Hey, some people are simply not that smart. Not everyone can be a writer for townhall.com like you.

The Michael Jackson story is an extremely exaggerated microcosm of Hollywood's moral climate. Hollywood is ruled by a class of people who believe that money solves problems and that the worst sin in the world is to judge another person's behavior.

ROBIO: Here we go, back to the point. It's Hollywood's fault. It's funny, you can take that same sentence and replace it with Republicans and it fits even better. Let's try. "The Michael Jackson story is an extremely exaggerated microcosm of Republican's moral climate. Republicans are ruled by a class of people who believe that money solves problems and that the worst sin in the world is to keep the Ten Commandments off public property or gay marriage, or not cutting taxes for the wealthy, or changing ethic rules to prevent investigations...and on and on and on.

"Comedian" Bill Maher, for example, recently explained that he thought the charges were no big deal, even if true. After all, Jackson didn't rape anyone, he's merely accused of "servicing" young boys - and that's not nearly as bad as getting beaten up by schoolyard bullies. Wrong. In normal America, if kids beat up your kid, you demand a reckoning. If a middle-aged freak "services" your kid, you call a hearse.

ROBIO: Hey cock-fuck, you're quoting a comedian on his show, without the context of the joke. Nice going, loser. And how do you demand reckoning when your kid gets his ass beat? Knowing who you are, probably nothing because that other kid's dad would kick your ass.

Obviously, there are lots of people in the entertainment industry who are horrified by the allegations and behavior of Michael Jackson. But only in Hollywood could such a thing happen in the first place.

Only in Hollywood could such a thing happen? Really?

- Hey loser, you don't remember the BTK Killer? He was a fucking Christian!

- Maybe you forgot about all those Catholic priest fucking little boys? A lot of them who covered up those crimes are being promoted today in the church.

- I personally love it when politicians/pastors do the rapin'

- Man, these damn pastor's can't keep their hands off girls.

- And let's not forget those Bishops who like the young ones.

- And yes, Christians like the lil' boys too.

- Heck, there's whole web sites devoted to religious men who like to do the dirty.

What Michael did or didn't do has nothing to do with Hollywood. If he did these crimes then he's a sick fuck and only one person is to blame...Michael Jackson, no matter who you try to blame it on.