Congress pass new "Asian Delivery Boy" Law

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- Following more than three minutes of passionate debate on Capitol Hill, the U.S. House early today passed a bill that transfers jurisdiction of all private elevators to federal authorities after hearing about the ordeal of Ming Kuang Chen, an Asian delivery boy who was trapped in a broken elevator for four days.

President Bush, who rode in on horseback from Crawford, Texas just to sign this bill, was awaken from his second late-afternoon nap to put his signature on the bill within five minutes of passage.

“Today, I signed into a law a bill that will allow federal authorities to watch over and guard all public elevators throughout the country, so little Asian delivery boys will not go without food, fluids, or some kind of Chinese mystic tea necessary to sustain their life," a statement from the president said.
"In cases like this one, where there are serious questions about our public elevators and substantial doubts about them elevators working, our society, our laws, and our elevators should have a presumption in favor of life."

The extraordinary session had supporters, primarily Republicans, arguing that the issue was all about the "rights to life" for Asian delivery boys with a Democrat warning that passing the measure would "undermine over 200 years of public elevators independence.”

The special vote required a super-duper majority, meaning a two-thirds of House members had to approve it -- a mark easily reached.

"We are very, very, very thankful to have crossed this bridge and we're very hopeful that the federal authorities will follow the will of Congress and save the life of any future Asian delivery boys from possible dying in broken down elevators," said Ming Kuang Chen, 35, after eating an apple and a bowl of cereal at Saint Maria Gonzalez Sanchez Rodriguez hospital.

Mr. Chen, or Long Duk Dong as most white people would call him, was the New York City Asian delivery boy who had been the subject of a massive search after disappearing last week. Duk Dong was eventually found trapped in a broken elevator in the Bronx apartment complex he was delivering food to four days after he was reported missing by a streat whore, Lilly Fandango; a $10 hooker who "serviced" the delivery boy every day after his shift. Fire fighters arriving to rescue Duk Dong thought he was drunk at first, but he was actually feeling the effects of dehydration.

Following the vote, Ling Wong, owner of the Happy Dragon restaurant where Mr. Chen slaved for $1.25 and hour plus tips, spoke with CNN's Bob Franken a short time after visiting his second favorite Asian delivery boy in the hospital.
"I asked him if he was ready to take a little ride, and I told him that we were going to take him for a little trip and take him outside and get him some breakfast, and that got a big smile out of his face, so help me God," he said. "Mr. Chen seemed to be very pleased and we're pleased and we're very thankful for both the House and the Senate for passing this bill and literally saving the life of any future Asian delivery boys."

Ming Kuang Chen has been an Asian all his life and a delivery boy ever since performing sexual favors for a Greek boat captain who smuggled him to the United States in a box aboard a rustic Casino boat ten years prior. An attempt was made to figure out which Asian country Chen was actually from, but his english is not so good and plus they all look alike, so who really cares.

New York’s major Bloomberg, no relation to the President, issued a statement shortly after the vote:
"I thank the Congress for its swift action allowing federal authorities to control and monitor all public elevators. Certainly, an incapacitated person like an Asian delivery boy deserves at least the same protection afforded criminals sentenced to death."

The number of lawmakers on Capitol Hill dwindled late last week as they headed home to watch American Idol, but more than 260 of 435 returned in time for the vote.

The compromise bill transfers jurisdiction of all public elevators to federal authorities who will begin to closely monitor all public elevators by posting an armed federal marshal on each floor of each public building, 24 hours a day, across the United States to guarantee that no Asian delivery boys get trapped in any public elevators that might not be functioning correctly.

Congress, itself, has no authority or desire for that matter to stand and watch every public elevator, but they can pass laws to force federal marshals to do it.

Leading up to the vote, the issue spurred passionate debate on both sides of the issue.
"The measure of a nation's commitment to the sanctity of life is reflected in its laws and to the extent those laws honor and defend its most vulnerable citizens like Asian Delivery boys" said Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., in kicking off the House debate.

The Senate passed the bill by a voice vote earlier yesterday.
"When a person's intention is to just deliver some all-American Chinese food to some hungry people who live in tall buildings that have elevators, poor Asian delivery boys shouldn’t have to risk dying of starvation or going thirsty because of secular elevators," Sensenbrenner added. "In our public actions, we must build a culture of life that welcomes and defends all human life."

Earlier, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay argued that all Asian delivery boys should be protected by federal agents monitoring elevators.
"The legal issues, I grant you, are complicated, but the moral ones are not," the Republican from Texas told reporters. "What will it hurt to have a federal marshal at every single public elevator throughout the United States?”

After the vote, Delay expressed some sense of relief.
"I tell you I won't feel good until every Asian delivery boy can go up and down and up and down and up and down any elevator without going hungry or being thirsty. I hope, I pray this never happens again," he said.

Delay received a hug and a thank you from Long Wang Chen, Ming’s retarded half-brother, who was waiting for him with his pants down in his office.

But Democrats said Congress has no right to become involved in sensitive elevator issues.
"We are members of Congress. We are not elevator technicians. We are not elevator experts. We are not mechanics. We are members of Congress," said Debbie Wasserman Schultz, D-Fla.
"The message we’re sending by putting one federal marshal on every floor of every building with an elevator across the United States is the wrong message," said Robert Wexler, D-Fla. "What next, we pass silly laws that bypass state court rulings that we don't agree with and destroy the sanctiny of marriage by taking a husband's right to decide what his brain dead wife would have wanted? The evidence provided by a standard of clear and convincing evidence is that although elevators across this country are not perfect, incidents like Mr. Chen’s are rare."

"If this bill passes, this Congress is saying that public elevators will lose its long jurisdiction of history in this matter and others like it and the jurisdiction of federal authorities will be substituted," Wexler said. “Approving the bill would "undermine over 200 years of jurisprudence," he said. “We are willing tonight to replace our judgment with the judgment of the most prominent elevator technicians in our country, who have labored extensively to perfect America’s elevators."

Tony Soprano, the head of the NYC Elevator Repair Union, told CNN Sunday that he was outraged at Congress' actions.
"I think that every American in this country should also be outraged that this government is trampling all over this matter," he said.

According to Paulie Walnuts, A Sopranos capo, "The harm is the further delay of the right to privacy that public elevators have already been given and that they deserve."

Despite the quick signing of the new law, Congress has yet to specify how they were going to pay for their latest government program, which opponents argue will cost trillions of dollars.
“It’s a tragedy that this Republican congress continues to spend, spend, spend, all while continuing to give tax cuts to the wealthiest one-percent,” said former Democratic presidental nominee John Kerry. “If they (Republicans) want to pay for this new program, then they need to roll back the President’s tax cuts immediately.”

But Republicans in Congress disputed Democrats claim that they lacked a plan.
“The tax and spend Democrats are just trying to divide the country,” said Senator Rick Santorum, R-Pa. “For out-of-touch Liberals who favor a ‘culture of death’ and who only come out of their dark, sadistic holes to save gay sodomy, abortion-on-demand and murderers on death row, it’s disgusting they can’t find it in their blacken souls to help save poor Asian delivery boys like Mr. Chen.”

“I personally saw a grainy black and white photo of the soulless elevator that tried to starve Mr. Chen to death," said Senator Frist, R-TN before his "How to get aids from jumping up and down" seminar at Bob Jones University. "I got the photo from a friend of mine who took it from his sister’s cousin who got it from a gentleman working at Burger King, who was recently in a gang bang organized by Clarence Thomas and his mistress, Barbara, who took the actual photograph. After reviewing the photo for roughly ten seconds from across a poorly lit, windowless room, I know, based on my years watching my Mexican nanny’s husband change the batteries in my TV remote control, a thing or two about elevator maintenance and I can assure you that elevators have become human death traps.” Frist added “How can death-loving liberal elitist put a price tag on a human life, if we spend a trillion dollars and are able to save one Asian delivery boy from starving to death, trapped in a broken elevator then it was worth every penny.”

The millions of federal marshals required to perform this new government task, will begin their 24-hour a day elevator monitoring starting this Wednesday.